"I believe in peer review, but these are not my peers."

(My academic humor favorites.)

"Dear Dr.<Name>,
I am writing regarding my submitted [paper|proposal] <num:title>. I recently received reviews, under the heading 'peer evaluation'. I find your insinuation offensive and I protest all implication that the people who wrote these reviews are my peers.
  (No, I've never sent this. But I've been tempted.)

"Wait till you have tenure before you post these..."
  (Anonymous former colleague)

"Deans can't read. But they can count."

"Everybody thinks they are exceptional, and I'm no exception."
(My version of "you are special, just like everybody else".)

"You light a man a fire, you keep him warm for an hour. You set a man on fire, you keep him warm for the rest of his life."
Olin Shivers uses this gem to introduce hard homework problems)

"I'm afraid I cannot review this paper. I have a conflict of disinterest." 
  (I haven't used this one yet, but I'm sure I will. :-)

"If you think that your paper is vacuous,
Use the first-order functional calculus.
It then becomes logic,
And, as if by magic,
The obvious is hailed as miraculous."
  (P.R.H. Anonymous--probably Paul R. Halmos with help from other attendees of the 1957 Summer Institute for Symbolic Logic. First-order functional calculus is what today would be called first-order predicate calculus.)

"No idea is too obvious or dreary,
If appropriately expressed in type theory.
It's a research advance,
That no one understands,
But they are all too impressed to be leery."
(This one is mine.)

"Due to the unfortunate death of the pope this Saturday, my family and I were totally occupied by mourning services [...]. I was not in an emotionally fit state to [...] worry about the HW that was due on this Saturday at 6."

  (From a student named Muhammadi! True email.)

Academic dictionary:

Temporary (as in position, office, arrangements)
: Permanent (unless prohibited by law) but really crappy.

  (Sam Guyer)